Even though Ben Folds Five [ tickets ] has decided "to bow out with dignity" after three studio albums, it doesn't mean that we can't have one final laugh and smirk with bassist Robert Sledge, who is currently putting together a new group and producing bands in his Chapel Hill, N.C., studio.

The break-up of Ben Folds Five hasn’t left Sledge with a lack of work. When not making fun of guitar players, Sledge also tours with ex-Squirrel Nut Zippers Tom Maxwell and his band The Minor Drag. And making fun of guitar players was at the core of a recent discussion Sledge had with liveDaily correspondent Don Zulaica.

LiveDaily: How did you get into music, and was bass your first instrument?

Robert Sledge: I got a bass first when I was eleven, but my brother also had a guitar, so I play both. I actually would have been a drummer if my family had bought me one. My mom sold the old Bennet piano in the living room and bought me a bass. That was that.

How did the whole anti-guitar thing with Ben Folds Five come about? Was it a conscious decision for the band early on, or management, or...

It kind of was the premise of the band for me. I saw the Jon Spencer Blues Explosion on TV before I met these guys, and I was like, "Well, they kick ass, and they don't have a bass player." It's just all about guitar. The idea just started growing on me, all of rock...it's just all about guitar. And at the time I was thinking, "I'm extremely rock, all I ever do is rock, and I'm just sick of the f---ing guitar!" There are just so many people who play it so much better than anybody I'll probably meet. So then I wanted to start an organ, bass and drums band. Like Medeski, Martin and Wood, but more rock, song-oriented, less jammy. I met Ben and he didn't have to tell me twice.

If the group ever decided to have a guitar player, who would have qualified?

God, Jeff Buckley is a good guitar player, and he can sing. He would [have] fit in, in a big way. I like Duane Denison from the Jesus Lizard--he has a real super loud, clean sound, and uses chords real well. He moves music in a very good, emotional path. His guitar playing is substantial, I think. Laird Dixon, who plays in a band out here in North Carolina called Sharkfest. Robbie Fulks is really good.

Let's do a little word association. What word first comes to mind first when I say... Edward Van Halen?

Rad. I remember "Women And Children First" and the tune "Everybody Wants Some!" That's where he had the Bradley Star guitar on the front, and Mike Anthony's holding a joint. He f---ing blew my mind. He's probably the reason why I play music, rock n' roll. I'm one of those guys. I'm just blown away by his guitar sound. I live to sound that gigantic and that transcendent of reality. Early on, that's something he did that was special, I think.

Yngwie Malmsteen.

Boo! Mr. Super Chops.

Jimmy Page.

Drugs. I saw him recently, and he has a very healthy looking liver. You remember all those pictures of Jerry Garcia with his liver sticking out? But seriously, I think he's tops.

Nigel Tufnel.

Pantyhose. I saw "Spinal Tap" when it first came out. And then Ben got into it, and I had to go through that again. I think the part where he tunes the violin is genius. Michael McKean did the music for the movie "Waiting for Guffman," and the music was really, really good. He's a good writer, he knows what he's doing.

Hanson.

College money. When I taught my little brother how to play guitar, I never thought he'd put on a wig and end up on the Grammies. He still owes me five bucks. The drummer's going to end up in one of those support groups with Gary Coleman.

Andres Segovia.

He had really stubby fingers. I'm amazed he did what he did. Actually, I should have said "packets of strings." Didn't he, like, invent classical guitar? His records don't sound very good. [laughs] I mean, I love classical guitar, but man, is that stuff hard to play! It's just so far out of everyone's reach.

And now let's hand out some awards. How about Most Annoying Guitarist?

Pat Metheny. The most annoying singer would be Robert Plant.

Best Pained Facial Expressions.

Stevie Ray Vaughn, without a doubt.

The "Equipment Is Saving His Ass" Award.

Robert Fripp. I was at a [guitar] clinic once, and during a question-and-answer session a friend of mine, who was a Robert Fripp fanatic, came up with a question, "Due to your complete reliance on technology to create music, how do you differentiate yourself from, say, Boston?" He never had the guts to ask.

Best Simulated Use of the Guitar as Phallus.

Prince in "Purple Rain" at the end of "Darling Nikki." Best use of a mike-stand as a penis would be Steven Tyler.

The "Turn That Crap Down!" Award.

Larry LaLonde of Primus. [laughing through entire answer] You know what I mean? It's just like...WHAT THE F---!? I like Primus, I've always been a big fan of Les Claypool. It's just sometimes, I want to hit the mute button.

Favorite Old-School Guitarist.

I like Pete Townshend. I guess you could kind of say he's a genius. The stuff he did in the late '60s, I mean, Goddamn! I think it was neater sounding than Eric Clapton or Hendrix at the time, to me. The guy had his hands full, he was doing a lot.

Guitarists are so religious about their gear, you see them in music stores...

I frequent those places a lot to get bass stuff, because I wear my stuff out pretty fast. I'm really mean to them [music store types]. You know, I really appreciate that they're there, and I'll go there and buy stuff, but sometimes I'm just really crude. I don't really appreciate a lot of the stuff that's goin' on. I mean, just walking in and people being total dickheads to you, think you don't know anything. I mean, I'd like to think I know a little bit about...gear.

And will you tell me something? Why is a Goddamn Stratocaster so expensive? Why is it that a '59 Stratocaster is worth more money than a Stradivarius? It costs about a third of the cost to make, and a tenth of the time to make, and not much care was put into it. I mean, for it to be worth as much as a Steinway? Really f---s me up.

And guitarists always say things like, "Well, that was made in 1986, so it's made out of plywood, it's crap." Like there's some cut-off point and everything made after that is total garbage, and that changes all the time.

Guitar players will always say that. They'll say that the cut-off point moves up in years, every year. And the Japanese, they just want things that are American. They'll buy seats out of the first McDonalds for $25,000. And they have raised the price of some of these vintage guitars. My point is, I don't consider it America's instrument, even though Buddy Holly played one by accident.

Give me three reasons why there was never a guitar player in your band.

They don't know how to tune a piano. Um, they probably wouldn't carry my gear. Oh, and I'm not a big fan of endorsement T-shirts, so if we had a guitar player you'd see nothing but Marshall and Mesa Boogie T-shirts all the time. It'd be, "Thanks Fender, and Bob's Guitar Shop" in the liner notes.

Any final words to your legions of fans?

Tell everybody that we have enough black T-shirts. Thanks.